Drunken Pirate
by Heart Goat
Summary: Will and Elizabeth are fed up with Jack's alchohol problems and rid the house of all the alchohol, but Jack will do just about anything to get his rum back.
1. No More Alchohol

Hello to you. ^^ This is chappy 1 of my first POTC fanfic, Drunken Pirate. I'm not sure exactly about how long it's going to be, but more reviews means more chappys. *hint hint* ^-^ This chappy is also quite short, only because I wanted to get the ficcy up by today (Friday), but the following chapters will most likely be longer. Anyways, enjoy reading. ^^  
  
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__[o0]________{Chapter 1-No More Alchohol}________[0o]__  
  
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"Jack!" a bitter voice snapped from behind the drunken pirate.  
  
Drinking the last amount of rum from a 12-gallon barrel, and letting out an enormous belch that nearly shook the walls of the kitchen, Jack turned around and faced Will with a dazed expression. His eyes were glazed and unfocused as he spoke with a slurred voice: "Drink up me 'arties, yo ho." A crazed grin was plastered onto his face as he continued to stare at Will, who looked extremly irritated.  
  
"How many times have I had to tell you to stop drinking so much?" he lashed out, "This is the third time this week you've gotten drunk."  
  
He paused, waiting for an apology.  
  
"You don't have anything to say to this? Part of the deal we made to let you stay with me and Elizabeth, after the third time we saved you from almost certain death, was that you'd behave yourself. That includes not getting drunk."  
  
"But those," Jack rose to his feet, and almost instantly fell to the ground, "Are just," he began crawling toward Will on his knees and hands, swerving from side to side, "Guidelines."  
  
"Oh, don't give me that again, Jack, you've said that the last three~" Will said as he looked down at Jack who was currently licking the ends of Will's toes, "What are you doing!?"  
  
"Cleaning," the pirate answered in a matter-of-factly voice.  
  
"Will," called an soft and clear woman's voice from not too far away.  
  
"Elizabeth," Will whispered to himself with fear.  
  
"Elizabeth," Jack grinned.  
  
"If she finds you drunk again, she'll kick you out," Will told Jack at a fastened pace, "Which I, personally, wouldn't mind, but if the people in the town find that you're here, we'll all be in trouble."  
  
"Oh my," chuckled Jack, who was now attempting to swallow Will's head.  
  
"Get off me!" Will thrusted the pirate back on the ground and hastily threw him into a nearby closet and slammed the door, just as Elizabeth walked into the room.  
  
"Elizabeth," he smiled as his heart pounded against his rib cage.  
  
"There you are," Elizabeth gave him a perfect smile and began walking toward him. She stopped suddenly in her tracks and looked to her left, catching sight of the barrell of rum.  
  
"Will!" Elizabeth snapped, "Did you put this here?" Without waiting for an answer, she took hold of the barrell and shook it. "You drank all of it!?"  
  
"Elizabeth, that's not~"  
  
"You're terrible, Will, terrible. You're just like Jack."  
  
"I heard that!" came a muffled voice from the closet behind Will.  
  
"What?" Elizabeth asked.  
  
"Nothing!" Will said at once, "Nothing at all. Now, love, let's go out onto the balcony, there's a beautiful sunset and~"  
  
"Yo' ho, yo' ho, a pirates life for me," sang Jack from the closet, "We pilage, we plunder, we~"  
  
"AND I ALSO FOUND A VERY NICE RESTRAUNT OUT BY THE BAY," Will yelled over Jack's voice, "SHALL WE GO NOW?"  
  
"Are you alright, Will? Why are you yelling? And what's that noise from the closet?"  
  
"That's nothing," Will lied as Elizabeth walked past him and opened the closet doors, revealing the drunken Jack.  
  
"Jack! What on earth are you doing in this closet?"  
  
"Who, me? Oh, oh, I'm sober alright *hic*" Jack grinned, his head swaying from side to side.  
  
"You brought all that alchohol into our house!"  
  
"Only 12 gallons."  
  
"And you drank all of it. You could have at least saved a little for Will and I."  
  
Jack only chuckled.  
  
"That's it! We're going to do something about your alchohol problems right now!"  
  
"More rum?"  
  
"No, we're going to rid this house of all alchohol until you begin to behave," Elizabeth told him sternly.  
  
"What!?" Jack shot up, hit his head on the top of the closet, and stepped out, "You can't do that! I'll stop, I promise."  
  
"You've told me that before, and I believed you, but not this time."  
  
"Elizabeth, please."  
  
Without warning, Elizabeth bitch-slapped him.  
  
"I may have deserved that."  
  
"Now me and Will are going to get rid of all the rum and wine in the house," Elizabeth said, "I hope you enjoyed the last time you'll be getting drunk in a very long while."  
  
"But~"  
  
Before he could say another word, Elizabeth and Will had left the room, and he was stuck there to contemplate and scheme plans on how he would keep himself supplied with alchohol. Then a sudden thought struck him. All he would have to do was go to the bar in town for rum.  
  
"The only problem is that everyone knows who I am know," Jack muttered slowly to himself, "But if I go in disguise, then maybe no one will know who I am. That's exactly what I'll do. I'll disguise myself and march straight into that bar and get as drunk as I possibly can."  
  
Grinning to himself, Jack started downstairs to his room and soon fell asleep, anxiously awaiting the next day.  
  
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~*Fin*~  
  
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Well, there you have it. Hope you liked my first chappy. A bit short, but it introduces the whole plot. So it's more like an introduction than a chapter, really. Anyways, if you liked it, or if you didn't like it, please review. ^-^ 


	2. Crossdressing at the Tavern

Thankies so much for all of your reviews! *tosses chibi Jack plushies at reviewers* I've decided to make this chappy longer than the other, and update sooner than I planned to. Enjoy. ^-^  
  
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__[o0]________{Chapter 2-Crossdressing at the Tavern}________[0o]__  
  
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Jack awoke to the sound of a loud rhythmic pounding on his door.  
  
"I'm coming," he managed to mutter, fighting the unwillingness to go back to sleep.  
  
Gathering all his energy, Jack groggily walked across the room and opened the door. In front of him stood Will. Jack let out a long exaggerated yawn before allowing Will to speak.  
  
"Elizabeth and I will be going out today," Will announced, "And I don't want you to go looking for the rum we've gotten rid of. Understand?"  
  
"Oh, no, I won't be looking for it," Jack said as he held back an amused grin, "I agree, you two are right."  
  
Will gave Jack a confused look.  
  
Jack went on: "I shouldn't be having so much alchohol so often. This is for the best of me, Will."  
  
"Yes," Will said slowly, "Well I'll be off then."  
  
Will turned away, befuddled by what Jack had said, and looked behind him several times as if Jack were going to attack him at any moment.  
  
After making sure the two of them were clearly out of sight of the house, Jack made his way to Elizabeth's room. With the stealth of a leopard, he crept up the stairs, opened her door, and stood inches away from a white cabinet engraved with dozens of flowers.  
  
"This is the only way I'll be able to get rum," Jack told himself and, heaving a sigh, opened the cabinet.  
  
Inside the cabinet were corsets, pink and white blouses, and long frilly dresses of all colors. Jack's mouth made a perfect 'O' and he slammed the cabinet shut.  
  
"I can't do this," he told himself, "I know that dressing up like Elizabeth might be the perfect disguise, but I can't dress as Will. He never has his clothes washed. Then again, neither do I, but..." He breathed another sigh. "Alright, I'll do this--for the rum."  
  
Once again he opened the cabinet door and, with great effort, grabbed the corset on the top, and the first dress he could find. Light pink frills lined across the bottom of the dress, throughout the sleeves, and around the neck. The bottom part poofed out quite a bit. Swallowing all his courage, Jack closed and locked the door behind him and changed into the clothes. He stood in front of a tall mirror and examined himself.  
  
"Bloody hell!" Jack gasped, staring wide-eyed at his reflection, "I...actually look quite good in this." He smiled to himself, and did a few poses before regaining his composure. Soon Jack was sitting in front of a drawer filled with what had to be hundreds of all sorts of makeup-- eyeliner(of which he didn't need any more of), mascara, lipstick, lip gloss, blush, and some others he hadn't even heard of. Being a guy and having no clue what would look good on him, he took out as much as he thought he would need, and the fun began.  
  
~*Town Pub*~  
  
The local pub was crowded with more people than usual on this day. Several ships full of sailors, travelers and tourists from out of town had stopped by, and many of the them were visiting the tavern.  
  
A woman, looking no older than in her late 20's entered the tavern, placing her wavy black hair behind her ears. Her skin was slightly tanned from the sun, and blended none-what-so-ever with her bright red lipstick. She wore a far too heavy blanket of mascara. Her hazel eyes wandered across the room. After scanning the area, she sat herself at a small table large enough only for two people at most. Her crimson lips formed a mischevious smirk.  
  
She only had sat there for a couple of minutes at most before an old man, late forties at least and already balding, sat in the seat directly across from her.  
  
"Hello, ma'am," he grinned in what sounded like a mix of a southern and British accent.  
  
The woman nodded.  
  
"May I ask your name?" he continued to grin, showing all his yellow teeth.  
  
"Ja~" he cut himself off abruptly, "Jessica."  
  
"Mmmm..." for a moment the man was at a loss for words. Then he spoke again: "Mind if I buy you a drink, Jessica? And do you mind if I call you Jess?"  
  
This is exactly what Jack had wanted. "Of course you can buy me something. Bloody Mary, please. And you may call me Jess." Jack did a horrible impression of a girl's voice and sounded like any male's impression of a female's voice.  
  
The man left to the bar tender and soon came back with two Bloody Marys. Jack grabbed his drink enthusiastically and drank it in several long gulps with glee. The man watched him in surprise and offered to buy another round of drinks. With a long belch, Jack nodded and after the man left, he put he feet over the table and waited for his return. Before the man returned, however, another man with thick brown hair and in his late twenties sat himself in the chair in front of Jack. Jack gave him a friendly wave and nodded.  
  
"I've been watching you," the man said with a hint of distaste.  
  
Jack belched in response.  
  
"You know, it isn't very polite for a woman to act how you've been acting."  
  
Jack merely raised his eyebrows.  
  
"In fact, I'd say you're not really a woman at all."  
  
Jack gulped and suddenly sat straight up. "What in heaven are you talking about? Of course I'm a woman." Jack let out a fake burst of small giggles.  
  
Now it was the man's turn to raise his eyebrows.  
  
"I-I can explain," Jack spat, "You see~"  
  
"Hey boys!" he shouted over Jack's voice, "This here's actually a man!"  
  
A group of several men, who were obviously drunk, grinned and made their way over to Jack and the other man.  
  
"I have my reasons!" Jack began.  
  
"Oh, we all do," a black-haired man smiled, moving a little too close to Jack for his comfort.  
  
Another, a young red head, stood directly behind Jack while two blondes stood across from him and on either side of the brown-haired man. Before anyone could speak another word, the balding man approached them.  
  
"What do ya'll think you're doing with my Jess!?" he shouted.  
  
"Your Jess?" the brown-haired one snickered. Without warning, the balding man struck the brown-haired one with a sharp blow, knocking him completely off his seat. The two blondes, shocked by his action, took hold of him as the black-haired one kicked him continously. Then everyone in the tavern, except for Jack, spontaneously combusted. Jack simply looked shocked at what had gone on in the past five minutes, grabbed the two pints of beer the man had brought back, and silently made his way out of the tavern.  
  
"That didn't go well," he told himself.  
  
As he made his way toward Elizabeth and Will's house, he found two people walking toward him who he could never mistake-Elizabeth and Will.  
  
"Jack?" Elizabeth gasped, looking up and down him, and then at the drinks drinks he was holding.  
  
"E-Elizabeth?" Jack swallowed.  
  
"You've got a lot of explaining to do when we get you home," she snapped, taking ahold of Jack's wrist.  
  
Will glared at him and he took the two pints of rum, emptying them on the sidewalk. Jack sighed and allowed the two to bring him home without complaining.  
  
"This really didn't go well at all," Jack once again told himself.  
  
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~*Fin*~  
  
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Hope you enjoyed it. Next time I'll be giving away chibi Will plushies, so make sure you review. ^^ Expect the next chappy to be up anywhere between Thursday and Sunday. 


	3. Authors Note

Not another chappy, very sorry, but an author's note instead.  
  
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__[o0]________{Chapter 3-Author's Note}________[0o]__  
  
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***I'm reeeally sorry but the next chappy may be delayed. I completely forgot that my b-day is on Friday (lol XD) and I'll probably be busy watching anime, playing video games, or messing around with whatever kind of stuff I get. However, to make it up I've decided to have you, the reviewers, decide from three choices what you want to have in the next chappy. Just read the choices below and decide. ^-^***  
  
***Another thing I'd like to add is that a few of you noticed that Jack has a beard and wondered how on earth he could get away with his disguise with a beard. You reviewers are just so perceptive, and I wasn't able to hide that from you all. Well, there's not really any way to correct that mistake and now I feel like a complete and total idiot. Feel free to throw flames at me about this if you want. ^^;***  
  
1)Jack goes off sailing the seas in a search for rum until he finds some-  
aboard the Black Pearl. It's kind of like a little adventure-quest-  
thingie.  
  
2)Jack goes without alchohol for several weeks and slowly begins to go  
more and more insane. He begins to act quite oddly and Will and  
Elizabeth aren't quite sure what to do with him but put him in a  
madhouse.  
  
3)Jack tries various desperate attempts to find ways of getting rum, but  
fails miserably. I'm unsure of how this one will end.  
  
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~*Fin*~  
  
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***There you go! Those are your choices. Hope you're ok with those ones. If you have any other ideas, please feel free to post them. Thankies.*** 


	4. The Freak of Freaks

Thankyou for all your votes! ^0^ But, for some reason most of them aren't showing up on the reviews page. I did get them emailed to me, though, and choice #3 has the most votes. However, one of the reviewers made up this really cool thing where all of the choices could be used in a particular order. First choice #3, then #2, and finally #1. I reeeally loved that idea, so that's what I've decided I'm going to use it. Again, thankies to everyone who has reviewed and voted! *tosses chibi Will plushies to reviewers* Enjoy! -^___^-  
  
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__[o0]________{Chapter 4-}________[0o]__  
  
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"I can't believe you actually did that, Jack!" Elizabeth scolded Jack in a loud voice. "Went to a bar dressed as a slut~"  
  
"They were your clothes, luv," Jack reminded her.  
  
"~and I don't even want to know what you did in order to get those drinks I can't believe you did this you said you wouldn't go after the rum but you did anyway you're so irresponsible" Elizabeth said in one long sentence, finishing with a gasp for air.  
  
Jack looked at her as innocently as possible while surpressing an accomplished smile. His plan had worked-halfway, really. He hadn't, however, planned to be caught by Elizabeth and Will in the end. And Jack had no earthly idea of what they would do after lecturing him for a good hour.  
  
"I can't believe he pulled it off," noted Will, chuckling a little.  
  
"This is not at all funny, Will," Elizabeth glared at him, making her husband gulp, "What are we going to do with you, Jack?" Elizabeth sighed, looking back at Jack. "We leave you alone for two hours and this is what happens!"  
  
"But you forgot one teensy inseey thing when you left me alone," Jack said with a few dramatic hand gestures.  
  
They both gave him quizzical looks.  
  
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," he told them, grinning.  
  
Elizabeth shook her head. "And do you even know what would have happened if you were to get caught?" she said, her voice finally loosening up with a hint of concern in her voice, "Jack, we're doing this for your sake."  
  
For a moment, Elizabeth thought she saw a glimmer of understanding in Jack's eyes, but in an instant it had faded away.  
  
"I understand," Jack said solemnly, "So I'll just be off now and think about this alone."  
  
Jack stood up and began walking off.  
  
"You're not getting off that easily," Elizabeth held his shoulder firmly, preventing him from leaving.  
  
"Alright, fine," Jack sighed, a little annoyed, "What're you going to do this time?"  
  
A mischevious grin spread across Elizabeth's face.  
  
~*Several Minutes Later*~  
  
"ELIZABEEETH!" Jack's voice shouted from the basement, "WIIIILL! You two can't just lock me down here in the basement!"  
  
"It's only until we feel you've given up your alchohol addiction," Elizabeth told him calmly.  
  
"And just how long'll that be?" Jack asked, although he was reluctant to hear the answer.  
  
Silence answered him.  
  
"Elizabeth? Will? Are you two still there?"  
  
Again, only silence.  
  
"Great," Jack said to himself quickly, "This is just great! I can't see a thing. There are no lights in here, almost nowhere to move around, and worst of all, no rum. What am I supposed to do about food? And sleeping? Where do they expect me to sleep? Do they~AAAAHHHH!!!"  
  
Jack let out a long, loud, exagerrated scream as he felt something small and furry run across his arm.  
  
"Calm down, Jack, you're just halucinating," he assured himself, "There nothing in this room but you...now if I can only find some matches..."  
  
Jack began feeling around him, the walls, and the clammy cement floor. Eventually his hand came upon what felt like a box of matches. He opened the box, careful not to spill the contents, and lit one of the matches. As soon as he did so, he wished he hadn't.  
  
Before him stood the horror of horrors, the freak of freaks, the stranger of strangers-Michael Jackson. Michael stood before Jack just as terrified as him.  
  
"A, B, C's," Michael began singing, in hopes of warding Jack away, "Easy as 1, 2, 3's..."  
  
"AAAHHHHHHHH!!!," Jack shouted in an attempt to block out the off-key singing.  
  
"It is futile," Michael smiled, "The Keyblade alone cannot seal the door to the darkness. Kingdom Hearts!" Michael turned to the door, which was now emmiting a blackish-silver aura. "Fill me with the power of darkness...supreme darkness..."  
  
Then Michael Jackson spontaneously combusted, the match that Jack was holding went out, and the chapter ended.  
  
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~*Fin*~  
  
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Ummm...no comments. (But as you probably noticed, I was on A LOT of sugar while writing this [and chibi Elizabeth plushies to whomever reviews this time around ^___~]). 


	5. Setting Sail For Tortuga

Sorry for not updating for so long! XP I needed a break from writing fanfics for a while, but I'll start updating again now. ^^ Also, I've decided to change the plot a little. Anyways, I promise that this chappy will be a little longer than usual, as a result. *flings Liz plushies at reviewers* Enjoy! ^~  
  
(Did anyone else get any PotC stuffies for Christmas? I've got the movie and have watched it at least five times now ^~.)  
  
*Special note-You know what's really weird? I traced back my ancestry, and found out I'm actually related to a pirate. His name was Captain James Cook. From my father's side of the family. They're from New Zealand, or something like like. Just thought I'd share that with ya'll pirate people. :P  
  
Chapter 5-Setting Sail for Tortuga  
  
Jack awoke to the sound of the ceaseless crashing of waves on the rocks below. He sat up, unaware of when he had fallen asleep the night before. He squinted he eyes, focusing on the far back of the room. The sunshine lit up the basement through a window, just large enough to crawl out of, near the very top of the wall. The pirate captain shook his head with a little chuckle, and made his way to the back of the room.  
  
When he had reached the window, Jack flung himself into the air in hopes of reaching the window, and fell back down on the hard ground while knocking over several bottles of what appeared to be...  
  
"Rum," Jack grinned to himself, sniffing the air with pure delight.  
  
He looked down and behind him to find at least a dozen bottles of assorted wine, rum, and beer. He laughed at the irony of it all, and helped himself to a bottle before looking back up at the window again. Once again, he threw himself at the window-this time successfully. He slid it up and open, and, this time, gracefully dropped himself back to the floor. He took each one of the bottles and, in turn, dropped them each out of the window. Thirdly, after searching the room for a good five minutes, he found a large basket, and threw that too out of the window. Finally, he himself crawled out of the window and fell with a quiet thud no more than three feet outside on the grass. He quickly recovered himself and stood up.  
  
"Ahhh," Jack breathed, stretching his arms as far as they would go, "The air is fresh, the pirate is free, the rum is plenty-" Jack stared off into the distance, at the sea's horizon, "And I think it's time for a little adventure."  
  
With the stealth of a jaguar and the repose of a pirate, Jack moved his way down the hill, through the town, and onto the shore. Almost at once he spotted a "suitable" boat. It was a small sailing boat, large enough for about three or four people. It stood on the very far right side of the shore on an unoccupied dock. On the side or the boat bore the name "De Veras Loco" in worn out lettering.  
  
"That'll have to do," Jack told himself, "For now."  
  
Jack ran his way over to the boat, managing not to be seen, and walked aboard the De Veras Loco.  
  
"Tortuga," he smirked, "Here comes Jack."  
  
~*Sunset at the Turner House*~  
  
Elizabeth knocked sharply at the basement door.  
  
"Jack," she spoke in a voice filled with remorse, "Will and I truly didn't want to do this to you. We're just looking out for you, we care for you. We thought that this was the only way. But....you know, if you think that this is the wrong thing-to lock you up like this-we can let you out. We can think of another way." Elizabeth paused and waited for a response. "...Jack? Jack, are you listening?" Elizabeth sighed to herself and opened the basement door with the key.  
  
"Jack, we're only-", Elizabeth stopped in her sentence, seeing that the room was without the pirate captain. She shook her head as she caught sight of the open window.  
  
Will came up behind Elizabeth and smiled to himself. "There's Jack for you."  
  
"We've got to go after him, Will," Elizabeth proposed at once. She turned around and faced him with a serious and determined face.  
  
"Go after Jack, Elizabeth?" Will scoffed.  
  
"He's...grown on me," Elizabeth admitted, "You know how Jack is-once you go Jack you can't go back."  
  
Will stared at Elizabeth with a sudden face of pure shock. It was just priceless, thought Elizabeth.  
  
"I-I mean," Elizabeth stuttered, "I mean, I didn't mean it in that way."  
  
Will recollected himself. "I know. And I agree. It is certainly in our best interest to find Jack and bring him back home."  
  
Elizabeth stared into Will's eyes, giving him a silent 'thank you, I knew I could count on you'.  
  
"And that's exactly what we will do, I promise you that."  
  
"But where, Will, shall we search first?" Elizabeth inquired."  
  
"The one place in the world Jack calls 'home'," Will grinned, "Tortuga."  
  
~*Meanwhile*~  
  
"Yo ho yo ho, a pirate's life for me," Jack mumbled, fumbling around with his broken compass, "We pilage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot, drink up me 'earties, yo ho..." Jack looked at the dozen empty bottles of rum drunk earlier that evening. "There will be plenty more where that came from in Tortuga."  
  
From the far distance, Jack caught sight of the vibrant city lights of Tortuga, could almost hear the crazed screams of the drunk, and smell the fresh dizzying scent of rum.  
  
"City of the damned," Jack grinned, "And my home."  
  
In a short while, Jack was at shore of his old home. He tied up his boat with haste and walked to the end of the dock. Before taking another step, a tall blonde-haired woman with silvery grey eyes approached him.  
  
"Isabelle," Jack walked toward her with welcoming arms.  
  
Before Jack could react, he received a sharp smack to his cheek. Isabelle walked off with her head held high, as if winning a battle.  
  
"I've barely walked ashore, and already the ladies are hitting on me," Jack said to himself solemnly, "Quite literally."  
  
~*Back at the Turner's House*~  
  
"We set sail tonight," Will said, walking briskly down the stairs and into the foyer.  
  
"Tonight!?" Elizabeth protested, "Now? But it's dark outside, Will."  
  
"That's the point, we need no one to see us take leave," Will confirmed, and faced Elizabeth, "There's no need to worry, Elizabeth." Will's arms slipped around Elizabeth reassuringly. "I promise you that-"  
  
"Oh my," Elizabeth's father, very abruptly walked into the room, "I'm not quite sure if this is the time and place for that." A brief awkward silence filled the room before he walked out again.  
  
Will and Elizabeth both looked at each other again, each suppressing laughs.  
  
"Alright, Will," Elizabeth smiled, "I believe in you."  
  
"And I, you," Will smiled back.  
  
It was a long hour until Will and Elizabeth set sail. Their ship was a small one, a fishing boat. It rocked back and forth continuously among the waves, making Elizabeth slightly nauseous.  
  
"We should be there by sunrise," Will told her, "Who knows what sort of trouble Jack may have cooked up by then."  
  
Elizabeth stood up, her hand resting on the sail.  
  
"Tortuga?" Elizabeth looked at Will.  
  
"Tortuga," he answered.  
  
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~*Fin*~  
  
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Hope you all liked this chapter! The story is really starting to set sail now (ignore the bad pun), and it's about time. I wrote it at midnight, so I have no clue how good it is right now. I promise to update the next chapter much earlier than I did this one. Anyways, parrots go to all people who review this chapter. =3 


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